My thoughts

Continiued from discovering self, My thoughts

My knowledge of the scripture grew fast and deep. However that was not the end of the sudden change of my new life rather my inner feeling continued nagged by some force to feel something strange and sensed unusual about myself very soon.

specially when I remembered and thought about the persecution that happened against me with out reasonable cause and the denial of justice I had experienced for that made my life miserable the book when I read it and interpreted gave me personally lots of meanings.

Then I have started spending more time to research and study with prayer more about Biblical subjects that has the relationship with historical events that may gives any kind of clue, connection and relation with the reality of our time.

I also bought Quran (the Islamic scripture) and read most of the parts to find some useful information in it however it has little value at all regarding historical consistency except mentioning the name of some same prophets that found in another book. In that kind of sane situation I spent almost two and half years.

But then one day I felt very deep strange thought as to begun born in my mind, I sensed vaguely as if G'd gave me some kind of mysterious sign, but I was not able to explain it how that happened and started, But again sooner another idea was born which I can't remember it now but struck my head sharply.
Then, I became fully suspicious about that G'd did something special about me. I guessed he was trying to indicate me some kind of message, but how that happened I didn't know. Till today the subject of the idea was confusing to be explained. It was lots of puzzle mystery that dragged me in to asking myself with out some bodies help to answer difficult questions which was the beginning of the pang of sign.

I used to ask myself, could the thought in me today had been known by the other outer part in advance before I think it today? If I were someone who is important how come I didn't know about myself before any body knows me in advance, specially my enemies?

How is that possible then what I am thinking now could be known by some one else even before I am existing today? Or could the thought of some power that I couldn't share my ability to control it organized my body to arrange and install his thought in me to work his thought as my thought with out his presence?

Or is that possible to arrange such kind of things? Technologically and scientifically, if so, the idea of my thought would have been more pro technological or materialistic than spiritual, which completely the opposite is.

Even when it come respect wise for the knowledge of some one I do believe the real believer in cloister would be better to me than the person in the sophisticated laboratory.

It depends though; if some one is wrong in his worship in the cloister than the scientist in the lab I do appreciate more the scientist than the one who found in cave. But generally speaking I am tending to love the righteous pious individuals than the arrogant proud individuals even though I am from the city that had grown in the violent world.

How come then? I rejected the idea. I thought that was craziness to think like that? Or is my suspicious idea realistic message that has supposes to solve something in the future? But who arrange this thing.

From starting point I know I am not, or somebody else whom I know, If am not who is the one who can do that? Is it G'd? How even then that can happen since I didn't know even the worship of G'd in any sense before? If so, why me an ordinary person? When there are many holy priests and other godly people who are exists today.

What kind of power can know any how the thought of some one before the person him self became at the age to think about it? Or before he was born? It is not me, nor my mother, it is some one who did that but I didn't know how and why?

My questions in me were going around and around and my mind was thinking in circular motion. But at the end of all those thoughts for many months I hadn't even get the least clue how to resolve the mystery that was created in my mind.

I couldn't find anything that makes me to believe or not to believe what I was thinking was to be right or to be wrong and I couldn't convince myself if I were not even insane, like someone who is confused, crazy, psycho or idiot to think about what I was thinking at that time.

However to the contrary, to consider myself to be crazy, health wise I was feeling rather well to be normal. For long time the conflict of these ideas in my mind persisted severely but then at the end of all that confused period of time I decided to take one step in the history of my life.

I decided to ask my mother, who knows me better than I knew my self in childhood,
I wanted to know about what I didn't know about, to clear even the simplest doubt I had.

I decided to ask my mother for the first time about my childhood age and some other suspicious question having which was nagging my brain about my father. Is my father really my biological father? Who really is my father?

The complicated idea is created within me because according to the sign I have got from God that I shouldn't be the child of two tribes or from two different kind of people; the reason for that was not because I thought it is a sin or anything like that, but it was for the reason to be his sign (if I were) from the feeling I got.

I studied and understood that my mother could be possibly a Falasha (Jewish mother) from the situation I remember that make it closer to be the sign of being a Jewish mother; but I still didn't know for sure if I had the Jewish blood even from the starting point.

The reason is nobody talked in our family about that matter or in general about race and I never thought about it in my life except very recently after the idea bopped in my mind suddenly.
Very slight instinct doubt started in my mind if I may probably myself to be a Jewish person (felasha). I had no even any proof to say that. According to my intensive study my father whom I have the name from him is a little bit far from being part of the Jewish family. But someone whom I thought to be for the last 30 years of old age could be someone else?

That was the big question and the critical one. Either God would have made some kind of positive trick about me or I was crazy to think about that? Or the devil tricked me?

At the end I wrapped up my thought together and at the conclusion of my deep thought I decided to write a letter to my mother without my direct bold questions, to ask something shady, to invite her to say something. I wrote the letter and the reply came after a month later. Then I translated the letter as follows for readers.